It's not fair...

It's not fair that after dealing with a horrible ER experience, ER doctors (or PAs in this case) can put things into your head, bad things, and expect you to be okay dwelling on it until you can see a "specialist". 

The Army hospital here is the first hospital I've ever been to where the ER doped you up for your pain, put in a referral for a specialist, and sent you on your way...

I was lucky enough to at least get some kind of exam, only to be told things are worse than they seem. Then given meds to take home for the pain and sent home... With a referral into a specialist. It wouldn't bug me so much if it wasn't a two week wait to get in to see the specialist. 

I didn't really freak out at first, but the more the thoughts circulate in my mind, the more agitated I become, and I begin to worry. I always have these moments where I really don't worry, I know I will be fine. But then there's this whisper in the back of my head that says "why are you above it? It can happen to anyone. Do you think those already diagnosed knew they would be?" I think everyone, or most everyone, thinks they are above the bad stuff until it happens. I never thought I'd personally ever be effected by SIDS, but I watched my sister bury my niece. My sister never thought it would happen to her baby. 

But that's how life works. That's why I worry too much. I get the whole "it could never happen to me" mind set. I also understand the "you are above nothing" way of life. 

If the PA in the ER had put these thoughts in my head and then had performed tests that may have denied or supported her worries, I think I'd feel slightly better. Instead, I am left here thinking everything will be fine, with an antagonizing doubt in the back of my mind. It's really sucks. 

The cherry on top seems to be the way I notice things about the topic 10x more because it's in my head. I'm thinking about it, so I notice it and wonder if it's a sign. -->Stupid. I know.<-- but that's the way my pretty little, anxiety driven mind works. 

So now, in two weeks, I will see this specialist and I pray I will have some answers. 

An army against women

Okay, I get it, my blog is titled "my life as an American army wife," in which I almost titled it "the secret life of the American army wife" but I decided that sounded wrong. The truth is, I cannot stand the title of "army wife". It's not because I believe it's a bad title, or women shouldn't use it as job title, or because my life is any harder than yours, but because I believe it's been tainted. 

I am so fed up with the way military wives and female service members are harassed and treated in the military community and giving the general population a title simply groups all women where they don't necessarily belong. 

Female soldiers are deemed "whores" and "home wreckers" automatically because a few select are. But not ALL of them. Women are catty, yes, but men in this military world are demeaning and it's infuriating. 

The thing that gets under my skin is the soldiers who refer to military wives as dependas or Dependapotamus. These are defined as women who marry soldiers for the benefits and sit around at home all day and do not work. I'm sure people could add to that list as how they see a "dependa" but it's very demeaning. So many people tell us to let it go, that soldiers (and others) are just trying to get under our skin, but I can tell you right now that if anyone called me a dependa to my face, I'd lay them out in 2 seconds. We were married long before he chose to enlist. And so what if we choose for me to stay home and raise our children, why should I work to pay some else to raise my children? I could very well make my own way in this world without my soldier, but I have been blessed with a life where I can be home with my children and take care of my husband. 

Now I get it, many women do marry soldiers after a week or month of knowing them, but come on guys, you are not that stupid, you know damn well why she's marrying you after only knowing you a month, and if you don't... Well then maybe you deserve whatever is coming to you.  And don't get me wrong, not everyone who gets married after a month of knowing someone is for benefits, and not all are going to fail or end badly. 

And yes, the adultery rate and divorce rate are high amongst the military, but many of those are contract marriages-- marriages arranged between two soldiers or a soldier and friend to get military benefits. Or even more so, let's talk about the "swinger" community, or how many open marriages there are in the military. It's HUGE. 

My point is, people (male service members, specifically, and the wives who think they're above others) need to STOP demeaning women of the military, whether enlisted or married into it. We are NOT all dependas or whores. We are simply living our lives, which quite frankly is no one else's business. 

And guys, if you don't want to see women cheat... Don't give them a reason to. "Lead me not into temptation.." And I'm not referring to "bad husbands" but the single soldiers who get a kick out of seeking out married women. 

It's just best to mind your own business. You don't like it, then don't contribute to the problem. Labeling someone won't change anything, you're simply bullying women. 

Balance: Hackschooling

If there is one thing I am learning while homeschooling it's that balance is hard.  The balance *I* am looking for is hard.

I watched a video right as I was making the decision to homeschool called Hackschooling Makes Me Happy (link) and it really moved me.  It's a TEDx video of a 13 year old boy who explains why he is grateful his parents pulled him from traditional schooling.  I began researching the two people he discusses in the video: Sir Ken Robinson and Doctor Roger Walsh.  I am genuinely curious about what these two men have to offer.

Well... I watched Sir Ken Robinson's TED Video (link) and it was worth the 20 minutes. his story between 15:00 and 18:00 (that's a guesstimation) brought tears to my eyes.  For personal reasons. But he made some amazing points.  Like why are literature and math more important than creativity? And how can we declare that these lessons are what our children will need in their future, when we don't even know what the future holds?! Going back to the hack schooling video, all I want is for my children to be happy.  The eldest duckling is amazing at legos.  If he were in the Lego movie, he'd be a Master Builder because he can build some of the most AMAZING things with just his imagination.  He used his mind to build a Blackhawk with NO instructions and it was pretty spot on... (That's a refueling hose on the front)

I then began to look into the Doctor Roger Walsh.  I have to admit that I admire him and his life's work.  He looks into ways and reasons to be spiritually happy, something I personally strive for.  His 8 Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes, of TLC's have given me a great base for where I want to start with my children:

1. Exercise
2. Diet and Nutrition
3. Relationships
4. Recreation
5. Time in Nature
6. Contribution and Service
7. Relaxation and Stress Management
8. Religious or Spiritual Guidance

You can hear more about it in the Hackschooling video above and read more about it here.

I plan to do more research into all of this, but it has really given me a great understanding into WHO and WHAT I want my children to be when they grow up. I want them to be happy and healthy adults.  So I will always continue my journey of finding balance in teaching them.

The "This is it, I'm going to do it this time" moment...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have struggled with my weight, since, well,  I became a "tween".  As a child I was not fat at all, but as I hit about 6th grade, I started to fill out a lot more.  As a teenager I always had more chub on me, but still was not fat.  I battled my weight after my first two children, and things took a turn for the worse when my dad died in March 2010.  I turned to food and ate the crap out of some Lays BBQ potato chips... And I got pretty freaking fat.

So I tried Atkins, Eat Right for your Blood type, South Beach, HCG diet (nearly killed me, literally), and so on and so forth.  Then I found ACE.  That stuff ROCKED MY WORLD! Then we moved 4,000 miles and half an ocean away from home. Along with that, they had to reformulate ACE and to be quite frank, IT SUCKS! Then January 1, 2014 I quit smoking, and although I LOVE not smoking, I turned to food instead.  Between the anxiety of the move and an entire life overhaul, I took away the only anxiety relief that didn't give me any ridiculous (immediate) side effects. 

For a while I was going to the gym and walking 5+ miles per day.  I cannot say I noticed a difference, but the weight still packed on because I was being a fatty when it came to food.  Well it's 8 months later and I put back on 40 of the 53lbs I lost on ACE... It's absolutely devastating. 

My biggest issue is that I ALWAYS believe that I have finally found that mindset of "this is it, I am going to do it this time."  You know what I am talking about... The people who tell those stories of "One day I woke up and just started running and here I am a bagillion pounds lighter..."!?!  Every time I believe I have found this moment, I fail. Miserably. 

My biggest faults are:
1. I am a "I want what I want, and I want it NOW" kind of person, and
2. I allow defeat.  No matter how public I make it known that I am exercising and that I am going to do it this time, to make myself accountable, I falter.  Because really, why do I care what other people think about me quitting?! You don't really know me, why should I care?! Food makes me happy, not you.

I will admit, two things are very different this time.
1. The other day was a really crappy day.  I ate 4 packs of fruit snacks, and as I did so I had this mentality of "hahaha, I'm going to LOVE this!" and when I finished those fruit snacks, I realized I didn't love it at all. I actually felt heart broken over the fact that I had just defeated myself.  I had taken away the pride I had felt in all of my hard work thus far. I felt so horrible.
That wasn't my life changing moment, but it sure as heck was a learning moment. 
One step forward.
2. My children have decided they like watching Mom exercise. I usually exercise early morning or while the littles are napping, so really it's only the bigs (6&7) watching me, but they love watching me do Zumba on the Wii.  Today I did 30 minutes of Zumba, and then I decided I would do some Body Rockers (I will link below).  I love Body Rockers, but I have NEVER completed any of their challenges I've started. They do 30 day challenges quite often and I've failed myself with everyone of them.  Well today I did day 5 of their Transformer challenge.  It was an arm day.  At one point I was almost in tears because my triceps felt like they were tearing apart! And right before I hit the ground in defeat during the last round, (3 rounds), my elder son says to me "come on mom, keep going. I know you can do it!" And I did.  I kept going.  I knew he had no idea how hard it was for me, and he hated to see me struggle, but he knew (at 7 years old) that if I kept going I could only get better.  When I finished he said to me "don't you feel happy, mom? You did it. You didn't quit, mom!" And I just smiled, laying on the floor trying to will my arms to move.

At that moment it hit me.  I may have nothing to prove to anyone else in this virtual world, but I WANT to prove myself to my children.  I want them to see mom do it.  My son showed me that he understood a lesson I have been teaching him since he started walking: Don't give up. You can only get better if you keep trying. I am so proud of my children and I want them to be proud of me, too.

Lastly...
For the first time, I have actually set goals. Not just a final goal of what I want to achieve, but small goals to get me there.
My first goals it complete a 30 day challenge.  I have not been following Body Rocks days to a T, because I watch them before hand, and some of them I snort at because I know if I attempted it, I would quit and walk away.  I know I am okay doing to ones I will struggle through, but complete.  I took before pictures so I can see what 30 days of bustin' butt looks like. 
My next goal is to make it to 90 days. 
Next is six months, and last is One year. 
My ultimate goal is to make fitness an everyday occurrence for the rest of my life. 

So is this my life changing moment? I don't know.  I sure hope so, but the best thing I can do is take it one step at a time.


Body Rock YouTube Channel

Life is a big ball of crazy!

I have felt the want to blog again, so I have decided to tell whomever feels like reading about our crazy life here in Hawaii.  Again. Ha!

After our two boys attended school here for 3/4 of the 2013-2014 school year, we have made the decision to homeschool the 2014-2015 school year.  The school system here in Hawaii is ridiculous in my opinion.  Our eldest son had an awesome teacher last year for first grade, but our younger son who was a kindergartener, he suffered because of his teacher, and the school in general. The boys were always so crabby because they were stressed out. So, it was an easy decision to homeschool.  I decided my children deserve to enjoy their childhood and learn in ways that are fit to them.  I doubt myself almost everyday. I doubt my abilities to give them what they need, but I strive everyday to make sure I am giving them what they need. 
And honestly, there has been so much death and loss around us lately that I feel honored to have my children with me everyday. 

This leads to another major event in our life: we are fostering two small children. 
**I don't want to give to many details in the best interest of the children and the family, but know that there is A LOT to this story, and not necessarily against the parents.**

A coworker of the hubster approached him and explained their family situation and asked if we would be willing to foster their children.  Unfortunately, their children had been pulled from their home over an accident that occurred in their home.  A bad judgment call, something every parent makes sometime in their parenthood, led to an accident, that led to a 9-1-1 call, that led to an overnight hospital stay, that led to a social worker showing up.  The whole situation is REALLY messed up, but it's not my story to tell.  I will just say that I believe the state withholding the children from being returned to their parents for more than 4 months is wrong.  I had a friend in another state whose daughter DIED in an accident at home and their other child was returned to them sooner than this.... But, what I can do is provide a safe, loving, nurturing home for these children.  The last foster home they were in (the first two months they went through three different foster homes...) was not a good one.  The young boy was abused by two other foster children, he came to me unbathed, covered in bug bites, and with bite mark scars.  It was really sad. The state was about to put these littles in a shelter because they had no other foster families available. That's why we stepped up.  We have done our best to make these children feel welcome and loved, and they have grown so much in the almost two months they have been here!  These poor babies have been through so much, and they continue to go through it every time they have to leave their parents and come back to our home.  Watching the little boys lip tremble and the tears in his eyes as he stares off wondering why he can't be with his parents is the hardest thing I've dealt with.  Hearing him scream for his mother as she walks out the door after dropping them off, it just kills me.  There are far worse parents out there, and yet good parents, who don't abuse their children, but who love their children, provide them a clean home, clean clothes, water, and food have to be punished over an accident.  And the thing is, they are punishing these children.  They are both under the age of 3, and you can see the anger and sadness in them.  They don't understand why they get to be with their parents one moment (for visitation) and ripped away AGAIN, over and over.  I get that there is a system and they have to follow it, but I do believe power was abused in this situation.  Again, it's not up to me, but my heart is in the best interest of the children... Because every night I put them to bed imagining what my children would be feeling if they had to be taken away from me, and it KILLS me. 

This has given me a whole new appreciation for my children.  Their parents have missed the last 5 months of their lives.  They have missed the baby learning to crawl AND walk! They have missed new words and discoveries.  They have missed cuddles, and bedtime stories.  I don't want to ever know what that feels like.  So I keep my babies close, I keep their happiness on my mind all day, every day, and I make sure they feel loved unconditionally. 

The journey of homeschooling and fostering has really changed me in so many ways.  I have opened my mind to so much and my heart...


Stick around to tag along through our journey :)

Live.Love.Laugh

Life in Hawaii

It's really not horrible. We've been here 6 months, and I'd say the first four months I couldn't imagine being stationed anywhere else.... But.... Now it's getting to the point of feeling isolated. 

When you have 3 kids, you can't just jump on a plane and fly home... Unless you can easily pull 3-4k outta your butt. Then there's Space-a flights aka airforce flights that have room for passengers. But they very rarely fly into Wisconsin and a flight back from Wisconsin is even more rare. The flights are hit or miss, so trying to line up a commercial flight can be dangerous, plus the chance of being stranded somewhere until you can get on a flight... But it's worth the risk if I can figure it all out. Because I want to go home for a visit. 

As for oahu... It's crowded. Honolulu and Waikiki are typical tourist big city crap. They are dirty, over populated, and full of tourist...and homeless people... I avoid Honolulu at all costs! As for north shore and the windward side of the island... They are amazing! I love going to north shore! Bellows beach on the windward side is amazing.  Driving through the mountains is amazing. And now that the hubsters decided to buy a Harley, I will be able to get out and do a lot more! I plan on getting a carrier and taking the littlest duckling with me! 

Homeless people and stray animals cover this island... And at first I had a hard time with seeing so much of it, but I made a vow to do something to help. I thought I'd make blankets or work a soup kitchen... Well I veered a different way and have become involved with animal shelters. When Bob Barker said to neuter and spade your pets, Hawaii was the reason why... Lol. Seriously, this island has soooo many stray animals, I now understand why it's so hard to get a pet into Hawaii and why they want to keep rabies at bay. There are stray animals EVEEYWHERE. Cats just stop in the middle of the road to lick their butts, and homeless people breed dogs to sell the puppies they cannot care for to make money. But with all that comes issues like dog fighting. It's a huge thing out here. Dogs get stolen to use as bate dogs, people pick them off of craigslist to use as bate dogs. We also have quite a few puppy mills here on the island. 

I got involved with a rescue called PAWS of Hawaii. It is solely run by a young lady who does everything she can for her animals. She is picky about who adopts and so forth. But her animals are her everything. We came across one of their pups, who was believed to be a puppy mill pup. He was found not too far from one. He had very little fur, scab, fleas, ticks. He was in rough shape. We took him in when he was around 15 weeks. We gave him special baths and ear drops and slowly but surely his health began to turn around. We named him Emmett and he has grown into our hearts forever. Then we started to foster dogs. We were going to take in a beautiful boy named tiger, but someone had fallen in love with him, so instead, PAWS asked if we would like to adopt an itty bitty fuzz ball they call teddy bear. He too was not fully healthy after being found emaciated with his mom and sister. He's a shepherd/lab mix and when we got him at 8 weeks, he was only 3.6lbs. Almost 3 weeks later and he's about to hit 6lbs!!! We're waiting to find out if all the worms are gone, too, but with how well he's been eating, I think we're good! We changed his name to Brewer, which my hubby picked out. He was excited that he finally for to name a pet lol. The oldest duckling and I wanted to call him Monroe... But he's our sweet little fuzzy wuzzy. 

There is a lot to do here on this rock, it's just a matter of doing it. Food quality has also been a big thing for me. Our commissary here sucks ass. The meats give is gut rot every single time. The produce spoils easily and just bleck. I've found a couple farmers markets, it's just a matter of getting to them ;) I've also found a natural food store called down to earth, so I plan to check that out too. Stuff is definitely more expensive here. 

All in all it's not a horrible place to live. It's a matter of what you make of it. Right now I'm just homesick. 

This is my Brewer (I call him boo boo or brewer bear)

And this is my Emmett. My sweet sweet shmemmett lol. He loves the beach, but hates the water....

Army OCONUS move continued. Again.

I will post a link to the original posts when I'm on my computer ;)

Okay okay I know it's been almost four months since I've done an update and I will probably give you a couple. 

So for the follow up on our OCONUS move to Hawaii. 

It was CHAOS. It's a good thing I love chaos though, right?!?

Hubby got home from AIT on September 11, 2013. My last post was from September 16, 2013 so some things changed shortly after that last post. i was determined that even though fort eustis would not help us set up our move, there still had to be away other than waiting for hubby to get to Hawaii and set up the move. So I nagged fort eustis. Finally I got a person smart enough to tell me to call our closest base to set up the movers. 

Problem 1.  Our closest army base is my reserve/national guard base and they do not handle stuff like this. So then I decide to call the next closest military base, Great Lakes naval base. And guess what, they could help me!!!!  And they did it without attitude!!!!

If you've ever heard of a website called move.gov well you may know that it's confusing as hell! But mr. Navy man informed me that even though you are not supposed to use move.gov on your first move or an OCONUS move, because I was two hours away from my closest housing office, I could fill out the forms on move.gov, fax them to him with all the paperwork I needed (which included: his orders; the first page of his enlistment contract; and if he wasn't there to sign it, then a copy of our POA).

After getting it all faxed to him, he called and said "hey, the movers can be there as soon as September 30th (one week away) I said great!!! (It wasn't really though because I wasn't expecting them soo soon! But oh well.) Then Tuesday 9/24 I get a call from the moving company informing me that they are actually booked on Monday 9/30, but they could come Friday 9/27 or there next appointment isn't until October 17. I was all "the 27th sounds great!" ...then I got off the phone and said "holy !$&/,!:&$;)/)87 that's only 3 days to get everything ready!!  Luckily I have AMAZING family and neighbors who came to help me.  My mother-in-law and one of my sister-in-laws were awesome enough to clean out my garage (left overs from garage sale) and make trip after trip to good will!  My best friend, who is also my youngest SIL, well she was amazing. She helped me so much.

But things took another turn into chaos town.  The reason I was all for the movers coming sooner rather than later was because the ducklings and I were planning to flyout to Hawaii November 1st. So this would have meant only a week without our household goods (HHG). Wellllllll that would be just too convenient right?! 

My hubby calls me late Tuesdays (9/24) and informs me that housing office told him if his family could be in Hawaii BY October 1st we would have a brand new 4-bedroom house ready for us. I nearly crapped my pants. That was a week away.!! They told him if we weren't in Hawaii by October first we'd be bumped down the waiting list and may not get a house until December 1st or later. I about cried. 

So Wednesday morning I called Wells Fargo first, because if they didn't have our letter ready for us to move the van, well then we couldn't ship it.  Low and behold the letter was ready and faxed back to my eldest SIL! Which was not expected because I had just faxed the request to them two days prior and the lady told me it usually takes 5-7 business days. So fate was on my side. 

The next step was setting up to have the van shipped. I knew St. Louis was the closest port, but I had to figure out how I would get from St. Louis back to Milwaukee. That's where my mama comes in and I'll get to that ;) but to ship the van I could bring it in Monday-Friday between 8am and 3pm I believe. I made sure to have ALL paperwork, orders, title, etc ready to go. And when they tell you that the vehicle has to be IMMACULATELY clean, THEY ARE NOT JOKING!! I had a little bit of small pebbles on the drivers side floor and they made me go across the street to the car wash and vacuum my van!! They don't mess around!

Anyways back to setting up our move.

I called fort eustis and told them I needed to set up travel arrangements for myself and our children. They apparently didn't have hubby's amended orders so I had to scan them in and email them to the lady.  She called me back shortly after and we started to get things set up. We decided to flyout of St. Louis instead of Milwaukee. It was the only way we could do it. Then they informed me that they can only send the e-tickets to a .gov email. I about died. I got ahold of the hubby who gave me his email, had them email it to his email account and then he forwarded them to me. 

And that was it. All we had to do was have the movers come in two days, drive to and drop the van off in St. Louis, and board a plane. By 9am Wednesday 9/25, my children and I had less than a week in our home. My best friend / SIL called me and when I told her, she rushed over. The word spread like wild fire and the next thing I knew I had half a dozen people helping me. While many of us cried. My SIL spent every night with me until we left. 

Once we got here, we took a shuttle from the USO, and got to the Inn on Schofield around 8pm and we were all exhausted. We spent 3 nights in the Inn and then moved into our house with loaner furniture until our stuff arrive 5 weeks later. One thing I do recommend, is if your vehicle is not here yet, rent a car! It's expensive. For an Altima that we rented here on post, at the enterprise, it cost us about a $1000 for the month, but it was sooooo worth it!