Where to Start? I need help!

I was reading an article the other day when I felt like I was sucker punched in the gut.  I didn't realize what I was reading until I read "if you hide eating food by eating more food in the car..."  Well yes I have done that, on more than one occasion.  ::Insert blushing face::  I went back and read the entire article in close detail and what I was reading about was Binge Eating Disorder.  It was like the wind had been knocked out of me as I kept rereading this article becoming more and more overwhelmed with emotion.

Who am I? Well Hello, I am Cassie, a mom of 3 kids, a wife, a now-graduated student who will be going back to school, a-gain, daughter, sister, cousin, and friend.  So where did my eating disorder begin? Well as far back as I can remember, I have always been an emotional eater, but I didn't realize how much I relied on food until I was in high school.  I have a feeling this came from being self-conscious.  I have never been skinny, but I was thin-ish.  I am 5'8" and I have always been about 10lbs more than my "healthy weight".  After high school I put on a small amount of weight, but it wasn't until I had my first son "E-man" that I really put on weight.  I put on 50lbs with his pregnancy and only got about 35 of it off when I found out I was pregnant with my second son (Beebsta- they are 16 months apart in age) and I put those 35lbs back on.  After my second son was born I started going to the gym and I got myself only 10lbs from my original post partum weight.  My weight yo-yo'd for the next year or so.  I tried lo-calorie diets, lo-carb, and lo-fat.  I usually made it about two-weeks and then gave in to my binges.  I would obsess about food and not in the good way.  My cravings for food become worse than when I was pregnant.  Anytime my anxiety or depression were catching up to me I would turn to food.  In February 2010 a customer of mine told me that she and her daughter did the HCG diet and had amazing results, and out of my desperation to be thin again I decided to try it.  I made it 18 days before I finally fainted from the diet.  I woke in so much abdominal pain and after a trip to the hospital I learned I had OHSS- Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome.  When I did my research on the HCG diet, no where did I see the risk factors for OHSS.  Now if you google them, you can find quite a few articles and stories on the connection between HCG diet and OHSS.  The doctor was sure he was going to have to take out my left ovary, but by the miracle of his own hands, he saved my left ovary.  A week after all of that, the worst day of my life occurred, my dad died unexpectedly.  He was 59 years old, an over the road truck driver, and he died at a rest area in North Carolina, 17 hours from where we live.  He was alone, luckily there was a restroom attendant there who found him shortly after the heart attack happened.  After my mom, brother, and I returned from NC with my dads ashes, I turned to food.  I had lost 40lbs in 18 days on the HCG diet, but never completed the maintenance phase.  I started going through 1 large bag of Lays BBQ chips a day! Yes I said a day! They became my comfort food.  I would feel like I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't have them.  40 days after my dad died, my sister was found dead.  Her death is a little more complicated, but it was the second worst day of my life.  Not only did I lose my daddy, I now lost my sister, my best friend.  Following shortly after her I lost both of my grandfather's.  In 5 months I had lost 4 people.  Within 8 months I had gained 50lbs.  January of 2011 I found out I was pregnant with our third baby.  Because I was so ill during her pregnancy I didn't gain more than 7lbs, but broke even when I delivered her.  She is going to be one in just over a week and for the past year I have been obsessing about how I am going to lose the weight.  My doctor wanted me to try the South Beach Diet.  After phase 1 I had dropped 20lbs and was on cloud nine! As soon as the 2 weeks were up and I could start adding carbs back in, what did I do? I binged. I put 9 of the 20lbs back on...

So here I am researching about eating healthy.  The sad part is, I know most of it.  I know how to eat healthy, how to watch my proportion sizes, and how to balance my foods.  But why is hard to APPLY it to my life?  I think the answer is, is because then I would be taking away one of the only comforts I know, FOOD!  My next post will explain to you what B.E.D. is about.  If you found my blog looking for help with trying to lose weight, or learning a healthier lifestyle and you realize this may be what you are struggling with, well I invite you to take the journey with me.  This is going to be hard, and I am willing to help and support anyone who is willing to do the same for me and take on the challenges.